Badass White Boy gives scowling performance of a lifetime
Elizabeth Scott reviews ‘Contraband’, an action-packed swearathon for middle-class housewives.
I recently had the opportunity to watch the profanity-laden action film Contraband, starring Mark Wahlberg. More specifically, concerned, furrow-browed, flared-nostril Mark Wahlberg starred, while indifferent Mark and easygoing Mark only made brief cameos. Kate Beckinsale co-starred – alongside the many faces of Mark – and did a fantastic job of playing Wahlberg’s wife, who is in a seemingly constant state of hard-done-by.
The film was fast-paced and high-intensity, with what I’m sure was carefully-written mumbling peppered lightly throughout the lengthy chains of curses that primarily composed the script. If you’re intrigued by barrages of bullets, Mark Wahlberg’s arms, or anything but biology homework like me, then this film has it all. Risk! Danger! #&@$%! So come along, and see what all the f@&%ing fuss is about!
I wouldn’t say that ‘Sucker Punch’ is terrible, but I’ll use similes and metaphors that heavily imply it
“Now I’m no history expert – I’m merely a fan – but I’m fairly certain there were no slow-motion upskirt moments during the Battle of the Somme.”
Blindfolded and semi-conscious, I recently stumbled into HMV and picked up a DVD. I threw my money at what I hoped was a staff member and went home to watch it. Unfortunately, I’d just purchased the 2011 film Sucker Punch.
If, say, Michael Caine came up to me in the street and asked me to summarise Sucker Punch in a single sentence, I suppose I’d offer the following collection of words:
“Well, Michael, if a coked-up adolescent Sigmund Freud made a fairly simple tribute to Fight Club, Inception, Kill Bill, and Mean Girls, Sucker Punch would be it.”
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"What is bread&crows?" I hear you murmur.
Allow us to explain.
When four of the world’s most erotically charged and vividly creative minds came together at the Villa Diodati in 1816, when they held a casual writing competition and forged legendary tales of horror and woe, when Byron looked out across Lake Geneva whilst hiding an ill-timed erection against the windowsill, and when Mary Shelley gave birth to the monster of Frankenstein, a spark of pure life was thrown up into the atmosphere. The spark, a tiny edgeless tube of glowing heat, whipped through the clouds and across the oceans before splitting apart above the green rocks of the British Isles in the early 1990s, the burning shards settling in the minds of six young boys. As the boys grew and matured, so did the wedges of the broken spark, and the binding force of life’s creative purity pulled them together, slowly at first. Then, one decade into the 21st century, the spark merged back into one piece, and the six chosen minds were fused.bread&crows was born.
So, basically, it’s a comedy website-type-thing. You might not like it. There’s sub-par satire and the occasional topical joke.