Given the content of this trailer, the name Hitman is somewhat misleading.
What’re your thoughts on this disturbing bit of advertising?
bread&crows at Eurovision 2012, 8pm GMT
From 8pm tonight, we’ll be live-tweeting the final of the Eurovision Song Contest. Follow @breadandcrows for the resultant packets of hastily-gathered words.
Deeply moved by our Twitter commentaries of recent television events, Graham Norton has invited two of bread&crows’ most esteemed figures, Stephen Tailby and Jamie Breeze, to replace him in narrating the final of the Eurovision Song Contest 2012. Stephen and Jamie will be perched within Mr Norton’s luxury cardboard box at the top of Baku Crystal Hall, and will provide a sparkling, dynamic review of what is sure to be a display of Europe’s finest musical talents.
Actually, I’m lying.
Instead, the two passable examples of humanity will tune into a feed of the event broadcast illegally from an electrified coat hanger stapled to the roof of a cattle shed somewhere in Bulgaria, and translate what they see on their flickering screens into three hours of disheartened tweeting. They will probably compare Engelbert Humperdinck to a shaved Wookiee at least twice.
So join Stephen and Jamie on Twitter at eight o’clock tonight for the Eurovision Song Contest final. You may as well. I mean, why not? Why the hell not?
This Is My Ham - World Exclusive Preview
Chris Jackson previews This Is My Ham, the first social networking site for meat.
Since designing the Facebook logo for Mark Zuckerberg, I’ve constantly been approached by various startups begging me for my help and expertise. A few weeks ago, Matthew Ogle, co-founder of social music sharing site This Is My Jam, contacted me asking if I would be willing to take a look at his new site and share my thoughts on it with him. Thanks to my high profile, I managed to pull a few strings and persuade him to let me release a world exclusive preview of the domain on this very blog. It’s called This Is My Ham.
Badass White Boy gives scowling performance of a lifetime
Elizabeth Scott reviews ‘Contraband’, an action-packed swearathon for middle-class housewives.
I recently had the opportunity to watch the profanity-laden action film Contraband, starring Mark Wahlberg. More specifically, concerned, furrow-browed, flared-nostril Mark Wahlberg starred, while indifferent Mark and easygoing Mark only made brief cameos. Kate Beckinsale co-starred – alongside the many faces of Mark – and did a fantastic job of playing Wahlberg’s wife, who is in a seemingly constant state of hard-done-by.
The film was fast-paced and high-intensity, with what I’m sure was carefully-written mumbling peppered lightly throughout the lengthy chains of curses that primarily composed the script. If you’re intrigued by barrages of bullets, Mark Wahlberg’s arms, or anything but biology homework like me, then this film has it all. Risk! Danger! #&@$%! So come along, and see what all the f@&%ing fuss is about!
The next series of ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’ looks intense.
Just kidding. It’s the teaser trailer for new Bond movie, ‘Skyfall’.
Whadda ya think? Huh? Huh?
Just a rumour but I heard Drattigan is actually part panther. When he's not busy studying for non-existant exams at Shamebridge he's out prowling the misty streets of Mozambique for intricate gems and other small disc-like contraptions. Just hearsay though.
AnonymousWhilst David does indeed prowl the streets of Mozambique for, as you say, intricate gems and other small disc-like contraptions, these streets are never misty. Such meteorological phenomenon was outlawed by the socialists in the late 1970s, when it became apparent that enemies of the regime could hide behind the suspended water droplets. This rule was later extended to disallow rain, snow, and urine. Mozambique now enjoys an entirely moisture-free existence.
http://breadandcrows.tumblr.com/ask
Are the workings of Drattigan actually written by a seagull with the brain of franz kafka? Its just i've seen one around and i thought i recognised it.
AnonymousYou have been misled. David is not a seagull with the brain of Franz Kafka. He is very much a human in possession of his own mind.
David was, however, stationed in Saigon during the Vietnam War, where he brushed shoulders (and also genitals) with model Francine Coughcat. Perhaps that is the source of your confusion.
Eurosceptic about Eurovision
Thomas Howarth relives the Eurovision Song Contest 2011, the biggest gathering of misguided voters since Nuremberg.
I had a dream last year, which starred hundreds of gruesome and flesh-grabbing zombies, all dragging their hollow corpses about. It wasn’t just a cheap, shallow, horror film dream – it had strong metaphorical undertones. At one point, for example, John Simm bounded into view to save a group of us from the slack-jawed cadavers. He raised the British flag, which rippled brightly against the rumbling grey sky, and the zombies gathered round it, completely distracted. I realise now that this was a subconscious metaphor for mindless patriotism. Another message came into being as I, electrified by zombie-induced panic, barged into a house, only to find the occupants unphased and watching an episode of Friends – another visual metaphor regarding the unquestioning apathy, and the televisual distractions, of the human race.
Not sure why John Simm was there though.
Anyway. It is with these notions of ideological and televisual slavery in mind that I plan to discuss Eurovision. I realise that it took place about exactly a thousand months ago, but it is a timeless tradition, and the much-improved 2012 version is on its way. So let me discuss Eurovision 2011 now.
We’re glad Harley Quinn is the antagonist in the new Batman Arkham City DLC because that game didn’t contain nearly enough shots of female buttocks clingfilmed in latex.
Excited for this DLC? Don’t bloody care?
I have a whip, a restraining order, and I hate children
Please welcome Mr Jamie Tighe to the bread&crows family. Here’s an extract from his application.
Being that I have a mind that wanders and have been known to become distracted easily…
Sorry, there was a squirrel. Anyway, my wandering mind. I used to get in trouble at work a lot for daydreaming, dozing off, drinking heavily, and setting up games of Russian roulette in the basement. My bosses discussed how they could improve my concentration. “Maybe some sort of camp” was suggested. That person was quickly and quietly promoted to the head of HR. After a brief conversation, some yelling, and a few tears, they believed me taking a sabbatical was a good idea. I put on my clothes and exited the stationary cupboard to find my new way in life. They posted me my P45 and restraining order, which was kind.
